1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home,
the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates
were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such
as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole rations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of
eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that
as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The
average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence
of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your
body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a
soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That
kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread
restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, with complete celebrity
TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills
we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to
children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
Remember ~ Bread is just raw toast.
On Thu, 20 May 2004 17:29:15 -0500, "Swingman" <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>"Bob Schmall" wrote in message
>
>> 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
>
>Acutally, bread is rather innocuous when compared to the percentage of
>toilet paper users in your categories.
Or "oxygen breathers".
Tom Veatch
Wichita, KS USA
Swingman wrote:
> "Bob Schmall" wrote in message
>
>
>>1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
>
>
> Acutally, bread is rather innocuous when compared to the percentage of
> toilet paper users in your categories.
>
You are *obviously* forgetting that bread can be used as toilet paper...
Jus' thought I would throw that in fer size....
Philski
On Thu, 20 May 2004 17:29:15 -0500, Swingman <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> "Bob Schmall" wrote in message
>
>> 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
>
> Acutally, bread is rather innocuous when compared to the percentage of
> toilet paper users in your categories.
Bah. The _real_ outrage should be about DHMO (dihydrogen monoxide).
The facts, that some people would prefer you not know, can be seen at:
http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html
"Swingman" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]>...
> "Bob Schmall" wrote in message
>
> > 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
>
> Acutally, bread is rather innocuous when compared to the percentage of
> toilet paper users in your categories.
Toilet paper? What on earth is that?
Woman who used to cook at our county jail had a different theory. She
noticed that the state menu mandated vegetables generally came back to the
garbage can. She was convinced that criminality was linked to not eating
vegetables.
"Bob Schmall" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
>
SNIP
Often reworked by "Dr Dean Edell" on carrot eaters and carcinoma.
"Robert E. Lewis" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> The post is a reworking of 'The Dread Tomato Addiction, by Mark Clifton,
> from the February 1958 issue of *Astounding* Science Fiction Magazine (now
> *Analog*). It's reprinted in the *Analog Anthology #1,* Stanley Schmidt,
> ed. Dad kept a mimeographed copy of it from as far back as I can
remember.
>
>
>
>
>
On Thu, 20 May 2004 23:28:46 -0400, "Norman D. Crow"
<[email protected]> posted:
>
>
>
>"Bob Schmall" <[email protected]> wrote in message
>news:[email protected]...
>> 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
>>
>> 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
>> score below average on standardized tests.
>
><snip of hilarious shtuph.>
Which means I still don't get to read it.
My silly bloody ISP thinks that 97% of posts is good enough for
anyone, and anyway they don't read UseNet, so WTF cares :(
On Thu, 20 May 2004 23:18:11 GMT, "Bob Schmall" <[email protected]>
wrote:
>Heehee. I'm went on the South Beach diet and gave up bread on Jan. 1. I'm
>officially bread free.
>
Remember one thing, Sarge - beer is nothing but liquid bread.
Regards,
Tom.
Thomas J.Watson - Cabinetmaker (ret.)
tjwatson1ATcomcastDOTnet (real email)
http://home.comcast.net/~tjwatson1
"Bob Schmall" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]>...
> "Swingman" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
>
> > It could also be that cheap toilet paper they use in jails. According to
> > google (so it's gotta be true) it's a statistical fact that the higher the
> > grade of toilet paper used, the whiter the collar of the criminal.
>
> We may be confusing cause and effect here.
> And who noticed that "Fully HALF of all children who grow up in
> bread-consuming households
> score below average on standardized tests" is technically incorrect? It
> should read "below the median."
>
> Bob
The "median" is an average. Like most, I guess that you read "average"
to indicate "mean", but there are many averages incliding mean,
median, mode, etc. For purposes of this "study" the use of "average"
to indicate "median" got across the intended obfuscation. (whew! that
was too many quotation marks)
Dave Hall
"Swingman" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> "Bob Schmall" wrote in message
>
> > 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
>
> Acutally, bread is rather innocuous when compared to the percentage of
> toilet paper users in your categories.
You ever been to Alabama or Alaska? 'Nuf said.
"Lazarus Long" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> On Fri, 21 May 2004 00:06:48 GMT, "Bob Schmall" <[email protected]>
> wrote:
>
> >
> >"Tom Watson" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> >news:[email protected]...
> >> On Thu, 20 May 2004 23:18:11 GMT, "Bob Schmall" <[email protected]>
> >> wrote:
> >>
> >> >Heehee. I'm went on the South Beach diet and gave up bread on Jan. 1.
I'm
> >> >officially bread free.
> >> >
> >>
> >> Remember one thing, Sarge - beer is nothing but liquid bread.
> >>
> >>
> >> Regards,
> >> Tom.
> >
> >Thanks for the insight, T.J. Regretably, I'm beer free as well.
> >
> >Bob
> >
>
> So, if you don't mind answering, how much weight have you lost on your
> diet?
25 pounds since Jan. 1, tandjooveddymud. Cholesterol is down to 57, but
that's Lipitor-aided. Energy is up also. Occasionally I fall down for a
while, but who said there wouldn't be a few risks?
Bob
Median: The middle value in a distribution, above and below
which lie an equal number of values.
Mean: syn. for average
dave
David Hall wrote:
> "Bob Schmall" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]>...
>
>>"Swingman" <[email protected]> wrote in message
>>news:[email protected]...
>>
>>
>>>It could also be that cheap toilet paper they use in jails. According to
>>>google (so it's gotta be true) it's a statistical fact that the higher the
>>>grade of toilet paper used, the whiter the collar of the criminal.
>>
>>We may be confusing cause and effect here.
>>And who noticed that "Fully HALF of all children who grow up in
>>bread-consuming households
>>score below average on standardized tests" is technically incorrect? It
>>should read "below the median."
>>
>>Bob
>
>
> The "median" is an average. Like most, I guess that you read "average"
> to indicate "mean", but there are many averages incliding mean,
> median, mode, etc. For purposes of this "study" the use of "average"
> to indicate "median" got across the intended obfuscation. (whew! that
> was too many quotation marks)
> Dave Hall
:) [blushing...]
dave
Bob Schmall wrote:
> "Bob Schmall" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
>
>>"Bay Area Dave" <[email protected]> wrote in message
>>news:[email protected]...
>>
>>>Median: The middle value in a distribution, above and below
>>>which lie an equal number of values.
>>>
>>>Mean: syn. for average
>>>
>>>dave
>>
>>It is with inordiante pride that I accept one of Dave's most meaningful
>>contributions to this group. Thank you, sir.
>>
>>Bob
>
>
> That SHB "inordinate." Blush.
>
> Bob
>
>
"Swingman" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> It could also be that cheap toilet paper they use in jails. According to
> google (so it's gotta be true) it's a statistical fact that the higher the
> grade of toilet paper used, the whiter the collar of the criminal.
We may be confusing cause and effect here.
And who noticed that "Fully HALF of all children who grow up in
bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests" is technically incorrect? It
should read "below the median."
Bob
Heehee. I'm went on the South Beach diet and gave up bread on Jan. 1. I'm
officially bread free.
Bob
"Wood Butcher" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:azarc.175$ny.235125@attbi_s53...
> It is obvious that you are a bread eater.
> ;~)
>
> Art
>
> "Bob Schmall" spewed forth ...
> <snip>
> > 12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
> > significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
>
>
"David Hall" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> "Bob Schmall" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:<[email protected]>...
> > "Swingman" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> > news:[email protected]...
> >
> > > It could also be that cheap toilet paper they use in jails. According
to
> > > google (so it's gotta be true) it's a statistical fact that the higher
the
> > > grade of toilet paper used, the whiter the collar of the criminal.
> >
> > We may be confusing cause and effect here.
> > And who noticed that "Fully HALF of all children who grow up in
> > bread-consuming households
> > score below average on standardized tests" is technically incorrect? It
> > should read "below the median."
> >
> > Bob
>
> The "median" is an average. Like most, I guess that you read "average"
> to indicate "mean", but there are many averages incliding mean,
> median, mode, etc. For purposes of this "study" the use of "average"
> to indicate "median" got across the intended obfuscation. (whew! that
> was too many quotation marks)
> Dave Hall
Dave:
See BAD's post below.
Bob
"Paul Kierstead" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:pmkierst-4C322C.21013920052004@nntp.bloor.is.net.cable.rogers.com...
> In article <[email protected]>,
> "Bob Schmall" <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> > 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
>
> Snip'o'rama of some great stuff.
>
> > Remember ~ Bread is just raw toast.
>
> Very very funny, definitely perked up my day.
>
> However, this is the wreck and it is an OT post, so I feel obliged to
> make it more official and state that it is all Clinton's fault and the
> bread thing has been steadily getting better since the current regime
> took over.
>
> It used to always end up with someone calling someone else a Nazi, but I
> guess accusing them of being a liberal or conservative will have to do :)
>
> PK
In American life there can be no greater insult.
"Bob Schmall" <[email protected]> wrote in
news:[email protected]:
> And who noticed that "Fully HALF of all children who grow up in
> bread-consuming households
> score below average on standardized tests" is technically incorrect?
> It should read "below the median."
The way standardized tests are designed, the two should be the same,
if I'm not mistaken.
John
"George" wrote in message
> Woman who used to cook at our county jail had a different theory. She
> noticed that the state menu mandated vegetables generally came back to the
> garbage can. She was convinced that criminality was linked to not eating
> vegetables.
It could also be that cheap toilet paper they use in jails. According to
google (so it's gotta be true) it's a statistical fact that the higher the
grade of toilet paper used, the whiter the collar of the criminal.
--
www.e-woodshop.net
Last update: 5/15/04
In article <[email protected]>,
Swingman <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>"Bob Schmall" wrote in message
>
>> 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
>
>Acutally, bread is rather innocuous when compared to the percentage of
>toilet paper users in your categories.
No shit??!!
"Bob Schmall" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
>
> 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
> score below average on standardized tests.
<snip of hilarious shtuph.>
You owe me a monitor cleaning!
--
Nahmie
The first myth of management is that management exists.
---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.688 / Virus Database: 449 - Release Date: 5/18/2004
Well, I guess we could just throw you a *pity party*, but how about I
cut'n'paste so you can see the whole thing?(Actually, I already saved it as
a .doc)
BREAD
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home,
the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates
were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such
as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole rations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of
eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that
as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The
average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence
of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your
body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a
soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That
kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread
restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, with complete celebrity
TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills
we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to
children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
Remember ~ Bread is just raw toast.
--
Nahmie
The first myth of management is that management exists.
"Sandy" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> On Thu, 20 May 2004 23:28:46 -0400, "Norman D. Crow"
> <[email protected]> posted:
>
> >
> >
> >
> >"Bob Schmall" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> >news:[email protected]...
> >> 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
> >>
> >> 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
> >> score below average on standardized tests.
> >
> ><snip of hilarious shtuph.>
>
> Which means I still don't get to read it.
>
> My silly bloody ISP thinks that 97% of posts is good enough for
> anyone, and anyway they don't read UseNet, so WTF cares :(
---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.688 / Virus Database: 449 - Release Date: 5/18/2004
On Fri, 21 May 2004 00:06:48 GMT, "Bob Schmall" <[email protected]>
wrote:
>Thanks for the insight, T.J. Regretably, I'm beer free as well.
The song starts off, "In heaven there is no beer..."
Damned poor advertisement for the place.
BTW - my condolences.
Regards,
Tom.
Thomas J.Watson - Cabinetmaker (ret.)
tjwatson1ATcomcastDOTnet (real email)
http://home.comcast.net/~tjwatson1
In article <[email protected]>,
Tom Watson <[email protected]> wrote:
>On Thu, 20 May 2004 23:18:11 GMT, "Bob Schmall" <[email protected]>
>wrote:
>
>>Heehee. I'm went on the South Beach diet and gave up bread on Jan. 1. I'm
>>officially bread free.
>>
>
>Remember one thing, Sarge - beer is nothing but liquid bread.
"It's not a beer belly, it's a liquified grain byproducts storage system."
On Thu, 20 May 2004 23:18:11 GMT, "Bob Schmall" <[email protected]>
brought forth from the murky depths:
>Heehee. I'm went on the South Beach diet and gave up bread on Jan. 1. I'm
>officially bread free.
I taught you was on de South Park diet, Bawb.
I dropped 20 lbs during a month on the Candida diet.
Once I get the balls up for it again, I'll do it for
another month and get back to my highschool weight.
I miss milk and coffee the most. <sob, sniffle>
>Bob
>
>"Wood Butcher" <[email protected]> wrote in message
>news:azarc.175$ny.235125@attbi_s53...
>> It is obvious that you are a bread eater.
>> ;~)
>>
>> Art
>>
>> "Bob Schmall" spewed forth ...
>> <snip>
>> > 12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
>> > significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
>>
>>
>
==========================================================
Save the ||| http://diversify.com
Endangered SKEETS! ||| Web Application Programming
==========================================================
"Bob Schmall" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> "Bay Area Dave" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
> > Median: The middle value in a distribution, above and below
> > which lie an equal number of values.
> >
> > Mean: syn. for average
> >
> > dave
>
> It is with inordiante pride that I accept one of Dave's most meaningful
> contributions to this group. Thank you, sir.
>
> Bob
That SHB "inordinate." Blush.
Bob
"Bay Area Dave" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> Median: The middle value in a distribution, above and below
> which lie an equal number of values.
>
> Mean: syn. for average
>
> dave
It is with inordiante pride that I accept one of Dave's most meaningful
contributions to this group. Thank you, sir.
Bob
On Fri, 21 May 2004 00:06:48 GMT, "Bob Schmall" <[email protected]>
wrote:
>
>"Tom Watson" <[email protected]> wrote in message
>news:[email protected]...
>> On Thu, 20 May 2004 23:18:11 GMT, "Bob Schmall" <[email protected]>
>> wrote:
>>
>> >Heehee. I'm went on the South Beach diet and gave up bread on Jan. 1. I'm
>> >officially bread free.
>> >
>>
>> Remember one thing, Sarge - beer is nothing but liquid bread.
>>
>>
>> Regards,
>> Tom.
>
>Thanks for the insight, T.J. Regretably, I'm beer free as well.
>
>Bob
>
So, if you don't mind answering, how much weight have you lost on your
diet?
>
"Bob Schmall" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
<Snippage of funny stuff>
> In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread
> restrictions:
>
Too bad more folks don't study Plato.
http://classics.mit.edu/Plato/euthydemus.html
We could nip this stuff in the bud!
In article <[email protected]>,
"Bob Schmall" <[email protected]> wrote:
> 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
Snip'o'rama of some great stuff.
> Remember ~ Bread is just raw toast.
Very very funny, definitely perked up my day.
However, this is the wreck and it is an OT post, so I feel obliged to
make it more official and state that it is all Clinton's fault and the
bread thing has been steadily getting better since the current regime
took over.
It used to always end up with someone calling someone else a Nazi, but I
guess accusing them of being a liberal or conservative will have to do :)
PK
"Tom Watson" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> On Thu, 20 May 2004 23:18:11 GMT, "Bob Schmall" <[email protected]>
> wrote:
>
> >Heehee. I'm went on the South Beach diet and gave up bread on Jan. 1. I'm
> >officially bread free.
> >
>
> Remember one thing, Sarge - beer is nothing but liquid bread.
>
>
> Regards,
> Tom.
Thanks for the insight, T.J. Regretably, I'm beer free as well.
Bob
"Swingman" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> "George" wrote in message
> > Woman who used to cook at our county jail had a different theory. She
> > noticed that the state menu mandated vegetables generally came back to
the
> > garbage can. She was convinced that criminality was linked to not
eating
> > vegetables.
>
> It could also be that cheap toilet paper they use in jails. According to
> google (so it's gotta be true) it's a statistical fact that the higher the
> grade of toilet paper used, the whiter the collar of the criminal.
That's because the criminals with the REALLY bad toilet paper are using
their once-white collars to.... eeeww, never mind.
The post is a reworking of 'The Dread Tomato Addiction, by Mark Clifton,
from the February 1958 issue of *Astounding* Science Fiction Magazine (now
*Analog*). It's reprinted in the *Analog Anthology #1,* Stanley Schmidt,
ed. Dad kept a mimeographed copy of it from as far back as I can remember.
"Bob Schmall" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> "Swingman" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
>
> > It could also be that cheap toilet paper they use in jails. According to
> > google (so it's gotta be true) it's a statistical fact that the higher
the
> > grade of toilet paper used, the whiter the collar of the criminal.
>
> We may be confusing cause and effect here.
> And who noticed that "Fully HALF of all children who grow up in
> bread-consuming households
> score below average on standardized tests" is technically incorrect? It
> should read "below the median."
Mean, median, average ... machs nicht ... what you make on the bread, you
lose on the toilet paper.
... or was that banana's and grapes?
--
www.e-woodshop.net
Last update: 5/15/04