Conan the Librarian...

...in Mensa Madness.
Two men entered the interrogation room. The redheaded man was
confident in his demeanor, even though he looked like Howdy Doody; the
other man was fat and bald, and thirty years out of vogue in a narrow
collar and tie.
The fat man spoke first, through gritted teeth, "I just want to kill
the little dirtbag." The sweat leaked from him like water from a lawn
sprinkler.
"Take it easy," said the redhead. "Let's get him outta the cage."
"Aw, geez, look at this," complained the fat man. He's already wet
his pants, and I ain't even slapped him once, yet."
"Well, get him a hanky," replied the redhead, "ya know I hate a bawl
baby."
"Now, Conan," crooned the redhead, "you're going to want to do
yourself a favor here...you understand what I'm telling ya? You whine
and I'll give ya the cheesee ta go with it. Ya understand what I'm
telling ya? Your gonna want to be a squealer, here..."
"Yeah, yeah," said Conan eagerly, "I can do that...I gotta 'puter all
hooked up to the internet...I do it all the time."
The fat man sucked air through his clenched teeth. "Gawd, I hate this
little scumbag...let me smack him."
"Now, take it easy," said the redhead. "Now, Conan, ya need to listen
to me very carefully...are ya listening?
Conan shook his head eagerly. On the other side of the room, the fat
man could hear it rattle...he sucked air through his teeth,
menacingly.
"Now, listen, Conan," said the redhead. "Are you now, or have you
ever been associated with or a member of that subversive group of
arrogant genius known as Mensa...?
"No, no, never," cried the Librarian in terror. "I swear somebody
else got all them brains. I've never had an original thought, I
swear...never."
(Smack) "Look at the little scumbag," cried the fat man. "He's got a
whole pocket protector full of them colored pens and pencils."
"Now, take it easy, here," soothed the redhead. "Conan, we know that
you've been passing yourself off as an intellectual...perhaps, you can
explain why you have such incriminating evidence in your pocket?"
"But, don't ya see?" cried the frightened suspect. "...I'm a
librarian."
(Smack) "So, you're a librarian, are ya?" demanded the fat man.
"Don't ya know, you deprived some poor old spinster woman of her
career...doin that."
"I know, I know I did that," said Conan, groveling. "But, don't ya
see? I wanted a job where my arbitrary authority would allow me to
shush other people and say any fool thing that came into my head,
and...and get away with it."
(Smack) "I'm getting where I like smacking this little dirtbag," said
the fat man conversationally. (Smack)
"Now, take it easy, here," advised the redhead. "Conan is being
helpful. Conan wants to help us. You do want to help us, don't you,
Conan?"
"Yeah, yeah, sure I do," said the librarian, eagerly. "I know some
guys that misspell words...and a whole bunch of guys that post off
topic. I gotta secret file on my 'puter..."
(Smack) "Gawd, I hate this little twit. What's with this anal crap?"
"Now, take it easy, here," said the redhead. "Now, Conan. You know
that is not what we want...now, listen to me here, Conan. You know
something, don't ya? And, I know ya want to help us. We're talking
Mensa, now, do yourself a favor here. Come on, now, Conan, tell
us..."
The little librarian took on a crafty look. "What's in it for me?"
"Well, Conan, I think ya know," said the redhead. "You get to take
all those perverse little pleasures you enjoy, just like you like,
without any recrimination...I mean, nobody's gonna smack ya...right?
And, after all, it's only the internet...right?"
"Well, heh, heh, heh..." chortled the librarian. "I might know
something..."
(Smack) "Gawd, I just want to kill this little scumbag."
"Now, take it easy, here," pleaded the redhead. "Conan's gonna help us
out, here. Conan? You know something about this Mensa group, don't
ya? Come on, now, Conan...you can tell us."
"Well, there's this one guy that's been hanging around..."
"Yeah?"
"Well, all I know is that he calls hisself D.A...but he's some kinda
ringleader or something...I think."
"What about this D.A., Conan?"
"Well, he's got this mantra, ya know...like what is living
trade...only, he's the only one who understands what he's talking
about...ya know?"
"Yeah, living trade? Go on."
"Well, I know he's been using a thesaurus, ya see? He uses all these
big words...and nobody knows big words without a reference
book...don't ya see? I gotta whole shelf of them dictionaries and
such at the library...but, I swear, I ain't never cracked one...I
swear."
"Yeah, okay," said the redhead, intensely. "What else do you know?"
"Well, it's just..."
"What, Conan?" cried the redhead. "Just what?"
"Well, I just can't figure..."
"Figure what?" shouted the fat man.
"Well, I just can't figure out how he uses all them big words in
sentences."
(Smack) "Lock this twit back up," sighed the redhead. "We might have
to go to chapter two..."

cC

[email protected] (Conan The Librarian)