OT Humor: the 12 Opossums

The 12 Opossums

In case you're a little foggy on your biblical stories, let these junior
church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible,
compiled from their essays:

*In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing
but God, Darkness, and some gas.
*The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I Think He must be a
lot older than that.
*Anyway, God said, 'Give me a Light!' and someone did. Then God
made the world. He split the Adam and Made Eve. Adam and Eve were
naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented
yet.
*Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were
driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in
though, because they didn't have cars.
*Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he
was Abel.
*Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
*One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,
but one of his kids was kind of a ham.
*Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on
it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would
have to take a rain check.

*After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more
famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in
exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a
really loud sports coat.
*Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights
out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues
on Pharaoh's people. These plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
*God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave
them His top ten commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke,
dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for
bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when
he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.
*One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible
guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence
fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by
killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had
about 300 wives and 500 Porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but
that doesn't sound very wise to me.
*After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One
of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up
on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess
we don't have to worry about them.
*After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the
star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish
I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me,
Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As
a matter of fact, I was.')
*During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The
worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a
terrible vegetable after him.
*Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached
to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put
Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for
Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
*Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

There! Now do you understand it??

[nyuk nyuk]
j4

FA

"Frank Arthur"